Have you noticed?
Not more than four months ago our TV screens were repeatedly being blighted by the sight of a ranting Rudy Giuliani, our brains constantly assaulted by the befuddling Carter Page, our ears incessantly plagued by myriad nonsensical claims of a handful of Trump loyalists gleefully gloating about their win and the fact that nothing, ever, untoward happened between them and Russia.
Where are they now?
Chances are half of those talking heads have found themselves unable to speak with any confidence after discovering that every one of them is under investigation by the FBI.
They’ve gone to ground, or at least most of them have.
Carter Page is (allegedly) the man accurately described as a moron by Russian spies, overheard on recordings taken after US agents managed to sneak a microphone into a Russian SCIF secreting it in a binder. The Russians were discussing said moron and pointing out how easy he was to manipulate, how greedy he was, how he would do anything asked of him for the right price and could then be blackmailed henceforth.
Giuliani appeared on Fox openly stating that he was receiving information from someone within the FBI, a matter that has allegedly been under internal investigation ever since.
Just like Roger Stone, Giuliani was so desperate to make himself seem like a major player in this political game he made incriminating statements about leaked information and what people in-the-know were telling him.
I have to admit it’s sad that we won’t get to see Page contradicting himself in the same breath as a denial of involvement, almost seeming desperate to give everything away to a TV show host.
The only explanation for their sudden disappearance is that either their legal counsel advised them to shut the f up, or they’re already engaged with investigators and potentially cutting deals. Perhaps it’s both?
We do know, after all, that Michael Flynn was attempting to make a deal for immunity, and all indications are that the FBI etc basically said: “why would we need to make a deal when we’ve got you already?”
So, back to the rotating representatives of the Trump carousel.
Over the last week, we’ve seen the bizarreness of the White House become even more bizarre, with the rolling out of resident crypt-keeper Kellyanne Conway, the withdrawal of ghoulish alcoholic-in-waiting Sean Spicer, hiding in the bushes (not George and Babs, actual foliage), and the reappearance of kindergarten-teacher-you-wouldn’t-trust-with-your-kids Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Some are noting that Spicer is disappearing into the background, which might be a good thing considering he was reportedly spotted on the White House driveway yesterday wearing mismatched shoes and standing in a pose to hide this fact, which only made him look like a 7-year-old in class trying not to pee himself.
A few reporters are suggesting that he’s on his way out. But, it should be noted that this has been suggested before, and Spicer just kept coming back like a bad smell.
Given his actions on the night of Comey’s firing – refusing to appear on camera, hiding in the bushes, screaming at the press to turn their lights off, then finally appearing and bumbling his way through interviews seemingly at a loss for any information at all – it seems as though he’s finally worked out that being the front man for this regime is not conducive to a long career in any field.
Of course, another explanation is that he’s finally had a nervous breakdown. As someone who worked in a high-pressure environment for several years spending hours just trying to keep the absolute chaos under some form of control, I know what it’s like to be constantly trying to manage a disaster, then going home and being unable to switch off.
I admit it, I do occasionally feel a slight pang of sympathy for him.
Then I remember he’s Sean Spicer.
When this all comes crumbling down, the Trump team members who aren’t arrested and charged with serious crimes are going to find it pretty damn hard to find a job in customer service, let alone politics.
Here’s a tip, Spicer, get your notes in order and maybe you can write a book about it all one day.
Seriously, man, get your sh*t together, pack a bag, call a friend who has a house in the woods somewhere, run and don’t look back. Spend a couple of years eating Ramen noodles and drinking a few hundred bottles of cheap Vodka while you let your beard grow and furiously tap your story on a ten-year-old laptop, far away from the public eye.
Believe me, you don’t want to be in the building when this all comes apart. You’ll thank me for this advice later.
While Spicer is psychologically imploding like every double agent in every spy movie ever, is it a wise move to roll out the previously failed talking heads to replace him? No, of course not. We were all quickly reminded within moments exactly why both Conway and Sanders had been pulled back from the public face of this disastrous administration and locked in a maintenance cupboard somewhere, as both women instantly breached protocol after protocol, contradicting themselves, contradicting the White House, and blatantly making statements you would have expected to hear from Chemical Ali during the fall of the Hussein regime in Iraq.
Kellyanne Conway wasted little time in asserting that everyone is in their job at the pleasure of King Trump and the branches of government designed to keep power in check are required to submit to his will.
Erm, no. The President serves the people, and everyone in every other branch of government is entirely insulated from his desire to control. This is what any fifth-grader would call “Separation of Powers”.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders quickly made clear that firing the head of the FBI while he’s investigating the President is the best way to end the investigation.
No kidding, Sanders actually stood in front of the White House press corps and stated, on record, that Trump decided the best way to end the investigation into him and his administration would be to fire the man leading that investigation.
“Hello, is that 1974? Yeah, can you put Nixon on the phone please, someone needs to speak with him”
This is such an insane statement in itself that we would have forgiven them if every assembled member of the press in the room experienced a collective orgasm.
Not only did she contradict everything the White House had been saying about whose decision it was to fire Comey, she basically admitted that the motivation for it was a coverup, by Trump.
Did Trump and co change their story to stop him from leaving? Did they do it to try to placate him and prevent him from assigning a special prosecutor? They were quick to get out there and start making statements about how it was Trump’s decision to fire Comey.
The problem here is that this only leads to louder demands for an independent investigation, and it only makes Trump look even more guilty.
In any normal administration, this would have been enough to make jaws drop around the world. If it were Hillary in the White House the end of Sanders’ statement would have been drowned out by the raucous sound of a thousand Washington keyboards tapping out articles of impeachment and the resulting news stories about to be published announcing the fall of a sitting President.
But this isn’t any normal administration. We’re now living in an alternate reality where the Republican party is no longer serving even their own Conservative voters (did they ever?)
They’re serving the Kremlin, and Putin’s buddy in the White House.
Only now, after months of constant scandal, repeated embarrassment, almost rolling protests and endless statements from high-ranking bipartisan officials, have some members of the Republican party finally conceded and began calling for independent investigations.
But, it’s too late. It’s almost irrelevant whether an independent investigation is started now because information from sources who have been consistently ahead of the mainstream press are reporting that arrests are about to start.
Conway, Sanders, Spicer, and anyone else who has stepped in to be the ugly face of this disastrous period of American history would be wise to look back on what happened to people just like them around the world whenever a rogue leader has been brought down.
To clarify – most of them are caught trying to flee the country. Almost all are imprisoned for at least a decade. Some are executed. Only a handful have ever managed to fully escape and spend the rest of their lives on the run, presumably hiding in shacks in remote locations out of public view.
Perhaps they’re currently eating Ramen noodles and letting their beards grow while they furiously type up their memoirs?
Of course, all of this depends on how this regime falls. It’s looking increasingly likely that Trump and his closest allies are determined to make this as messy as possible.
Trump’s ego is too great, his arrogance too insane. He can’t even control himself when he’s on Twitter. He’s the kind of man who will still be screaming “fake news!” at the TV while millions of Americans protest in the streets all over the country, and after Congress passes a motion to remove him, and as a special operations team is creeping through the Rose Garden, taking out his “private security” one-by-one.
If I were involved in this White House, I would have a bag packed already and a plan to get the f out of there. Perhaps that’s why Spicer is quickly becoming a rarely-spotted species?